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For me as a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve always believed that courtesy is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a fulfilling life, I’ve faced very little self-assurance. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and doubting myself has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Frequently, it happens so automatically that I’m unconscious of it. It originates in anxiety and has influenced both my personal and work life. It irritates my loved ones and colleagues, and then I get frustrated when they mention it—which only increases my anxiety.

Presenting and Asking Questions

This constant saying sorry is especially troubling when it comes to public speaking or posing queries in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay on track and avoid nervous rambling, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an early-career academic in politics, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through exposure therapy, such as teaching classes and forcing myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing embarrassments from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I return to old habits.

Personal Peace

I doubt I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still appreciate life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to stop the overuse of apologies. I’ve heard that counseling might support me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used correctly. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a burden on others.

Exploring the Causes

A counselor might explore where this compulsion comes from. Inquiries such as, “How early were you when this developed?” or “Was it your own idea or learned from someone close to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once benefited us become maladaptive in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as self-sabotage. You realize it annoys those around you, yet you persist it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than striving. Much of effective counseling is about understanding yourself, not just fixing issues. A skilled therapist will supportively question you, offering a comfortable setting to explore and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a interpersonal focus with a humanist therapist might be more helpful. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you view, disregard, and undermine yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your confidence can improve from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing long-standing behaviors is challenging, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by reflecting on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid shame or vulnerability, by acknowledging perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a cycle of irritation and worry.

Even thinking things through can be useful. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel listened to without you taking responsibility.

This journey will take time, but recognizing there’s an issue is a significant first step toward growth.